I remember looking out the window, watching doctors, nurses, and patients walking through hallways, going about their normal Thursdays. Unaware that my baby just died. And truly, the whole world just kept going that afternoon, that hour. But we didn't. We have never been the same. And we shouldn't be. I lost a part of me a month ago, a piece of my heart.
The day before he died, he talked a lot. He had the most energy we'd seen for days, and was telling us all the things he was seeing. Rockets, a swimming pool, tractors, and even Santa! The doctors explained the hallucinations were due to his brain not receiving proper oxygen for so many days. And I'm sure that is true. But as I watched his face light up, him point and say, "Wow Mom, look at that!!" And, "I wanna drive THAT one!", I just knew God was giving me a gift. Letting me see a preview of the wonder and awe my boy would soon be overwhelmed by. I sat all morning with him, and just kept saying, "I wish I could see it too, buddy". Someday I will. Someday he'll take me by the hand and excitedly show me all the amazing things in Heaven. I can't wait.
I don't know how long a month feels like in Heaven. I imagine like a split second--I hope so! But here on earth, it feels like forever. Forever since I've heard his voice, felt his weight in my arms, and watched him play. It feels like forever as I think of how long I still have to wait before I can see him again. The only comfort is that when I do get to hold him, kiss him, play with him again, it won't just feel like forever, it WILL be for forever. What a glorious day that will be!
In the mean time, we have our own purposes to fulfill. We must, or we'd be in Heaven too. And by the continued strength and peace of God, we've been working on it. Yesterday we took our lot of toys and things to the hospital. I didn't know how I would feel back at St Mary's. But it actually felt really good. Seeing familiar faces, and the joy some of our gifts instantly brought to some kids, was wonderful. No doubt Drew was excited to see the happiness being experienced. I want to make clear this was made possible through all the generousity showed to us by you all, in Drew's honor. We are merely the "middle man". And we thank you all for allowing us this honor. The news as there, and did this story on us:
http://www.kaaltv.com/news/family-honoring-sons-memory-by-giving-back-to-pediatric-patients-at-st-marys-hospital/4404198/
Our wagon project is coming along too. We have a name, Warrior Wagons. The name Drew means Warrior, and given to kids fighting cancer, Warriors, the name seems perfect. We have a Facebook page now, and a logo! Through donations and gifts, we are almost prepared to get the final red tape worked out so we can begin to distribute wagons as new families unfortunately begin their journey with pediatric cancer. It is a humbling, sobering, task to think of offering aid to these families as they begin a tough journey with uncertain outcomes. But we feel called to do it. The resources, information and wisdom we now possess came at the cost of our precious son's life. We must do the most we can with it.
My new blog site is coming along as well. Look for the link really soon on here, and begin following me there!
And daily we continue to move through our grief. Some days are easier than others. Feelings continue to fluctuate. I can see the lies the enemy is trying to feed me. Trying to stir up doubt, and guilt. Was there really nothing we could have done? Maybe I should have told him he was going to die...Why didn't I hold him more? But with the help of the Holy Spirit's wisdom, I don't get too far into those thoughts before I see them for the lies they are. And am aware of the hopes of the powers of darkness--to silence me, to bring me down, to steal my joy. But I was a witness to the amazing power God gives to overcome circumstances in a happy little two year old, and I will overcome with that same power. We will continue to be thankful, choose joy, and turn to God for the strength to continue to heal and adjust to our life post-Drew's earthly life together.
Continue to pray for us! Here's pictures from the week. Molly and I enjoying a Shamrock Shake, and at the library. Also a project I've been working on with plates we made Drew's handprints on that final week, and all the toys in the van ready to donate. I also found this great saying on a sign at the framing store. You only need one life if you do it right. And in Drew's case, not even 3 years!
~Heidi
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