The tears have come. I knew they would, and I think everyone else knew it too. But I had to get here on my own. You see, because the last 2 weeks I haven’t been sad to be done with the last year. I haven’t been sad to have Drew gone if he was going to be the way he was. Having to endure things no one should have to, let alone the sweetest two year old boy ever. And we knew he’d only have to endure more if he stayed. And we’ve gotten so exhausted. So tired from worrying, of staying focused, of getting him and us through this hard, hard year. And just plain tired! I’ve gotten more full nights of sleep in the last two weeks than I have for a year. So I think we had physical needs to meet, time we needed to just recover from the short term strain.
For a year we’ve had to stay so intensely focused on the short term just to survive. I felt like I didn’t even remember life before cancer. And for the last year, that was good. It would have been so much harder if I did remember “normal” life, and make it harder to do what we needed to do. So I’m thankful that God helped me to stay focused. But now that we are through that, and stepping back into our “old” life, I can remember it again. I DO remember Drew before this whole mess started, and he was such a great little boy! We had such a good thing going. Molly and I and Drew had our classes we went to, our schedule at home, or family walks… And now I can see how sad it is that we lost that. That I can never go back to that again. I’ll never be able to take “them” to the park again, only “her”. I’ll never get to listen to Drew recite songs he learned at CBS like I did Molly, or look at the pictures he drew for me in ECFE class.
I’ve said all along that I could see how much good was coming out of this, but that it was just too bad it was at Drew’s expense. And today, I am crying for that expense. For the price we’ve paid. God has used this ugly mess in so many ways, and today I’ve just realized how ugly this mess is. How sad it really is that such a sweet happy boy, such a “nice” family had to have this happen to them.
And I’m upset that everything has to be weird. That I feel like I have to start over again. I feel like I worked really hard to put it all together in the first place! I did everything the “right” way! And now I have to start over, and this time without my Drew. And I can be sad about that. I feel like I know some of the “why’s” that God allowed this. I know that suffering generates so much more attention , but that doesn’t mean it feels any better. “Faith doesn’t make it easy, it just makes it possible” was something I heard today. And how true that is. It certainly has not been easy, and what I still face won’t be easy, but I can do it through His strength.
And I’m seeing now too, how much this all has cost Molly. Bless her heart, she’s as resilient and strong as her brother, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have wounds from this. I can tell she just can’t get enough of me. She’s so excited to be in a routine again and with me fully present. When I think that Drew was in the hospital for 160 days in the last year with one of us—that means for almost half the year, she was without Josh or I for the most part. And because she handled it so well, because she is such a trooper in her own right, it was easy to think she was okay. But all the clinginess, the talking to me non-stop, the, “what are we going to do today, Mom?”, shows me that she really missed me. Missed us. Missed the way it had been. SHE knew that things had changed and what our life used to be like, because she was still here! How sad what this cost her what she must have felt this year. I am crying today for all that she had to endure. I pray, and ask you to also, that she can get the rest SHE deserves from all this. And that God can help me pick up the pieces from all this in her, and fix the mistakes I’m sure I’m still making.
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
He will continue to work things out for our good, because we do love Him. And I believe Him, because I’ve already seen it. This is the “working things out” part I guess. And He will use it for good. We WILL be okay. Because we have been called to this purpose. It has been, and is hard. But I can do hard things, when I have the power of the almighty God behind me!
~Heidi
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