1-30-17

I know everyone wants to know how I'm doing. So here it is. Josh is on business this week, Molly is back in school. For the first time since Drew's been gone, I've been alone. And it felt really good. I thought I'd cry. But I didn't. Instead I worked my way through a to-do list, and felt pretty good about getting things done. I actually haven't cried a lot yet. I think I've been wondering myself why I haven't been crying. Why I haven't been feeling the terrible, unimaginable pain that every card I read or person I talk to assumes I'm feeling. And maybe it's still coming (I am not naive enough to think it won't). But for now, I need to let go of expectations. Everyone else seems to give me permission to feel however I want, but myself.

Maybe it really is just the peace of God sheltering me, through all your prayers. Or the relief that is first felt after an ordeal like we've been through, and we can finally rest. Or maybe too it's that we've been spreading out the tears. We were told Nov 1st that Drew wouldn't survive this. Then 6 weeks later, right before Christmas, that there was really nothing left to do for him, that he could have weeks to live. I cried on the last warm day in November, walking them home from the park, knowing it was probably his last visit. I cried when I stopped putting a plate out for him at our dinner table even earlier than that, because I finally was done pretending he ate. I cried on vacation as they enjoyed their bunk beds because I knew they'd never have another night like that again. And again as he swam in the pool in Florida, knowing he probably won't make it until summer to swim again. We've been grieving what was to come for a while, and now that it's here, I guess for right now, I'm emotionally spent.

Then just as I convince myself it's okay to not be overwhelmed with sadness, I do start to feel the pain of missing him. Beginning to see how hard it will be to live without a part of me. His smile, his joy, his energy, and his love. I miss his, "Love you!", and his "How about we sit in the chair Mom?". Even the fighting I'm starting to miss, the noise. I've begun to imagine how he'd react to whatever cool thing I come across. Or look at all these pictures of such good times taken so recently and try to take myself back there, to experience him again. I watch videos on my phone just to hear his voice again. Molly said this week, "Wouldn't it be fun if we could see a movie of what Drew's doing in heaven with God? I bet he's doing tablets, telling knock-knock jokes, and eating pickles all day!". I too wonder what he's been up to in the last couple weeks... I know it will just get worse for a while. And I'm realizing I can still believe all that I've said, still trust in God, still be proud of Drew and acknowledge all the good that has come out of this, but still cry for myself. Because I miss him. Because I'm so disappointed it had to turn out this way. So upset for the life I loved with my little family, all together in the same realm, that is never going to be the same.

So if this sounds confusing, it's because it is. And maybe the next time I write I will feel differently, and I guess that will be okay too. "There are no rules for grief" everyone keeps saying. And that's hard for me. I'm a very structure oriented, rule following kind of person. I'm working on writing some rules, just to give myself something to follow! But for now I will continue in the disciplines that have gotten me through so much--looking for things to be thankful for each day. Choosing joy. Letting my strength come from God, and turning to Him for comfort before anyone or anything else. Because ultimately, only He, the God of comfort, can offer peace.

Keep praying for us!

Here's Molly at her school Art night tonight, and "working out" with me after I got done on the treadmill today!

~Heidi