2-13-17

We've managed to be pretty productive this last week! First, we wanted to do something with some of the memorial money to give back right away. So we ordered some push cars, shopping carts, wooden puzzles, and John Deere tapes to donate to hospital. I arranged to deliver them this Saturday. We are looking forward to it! Then we also are working on getting a project together where we give each new pediatric cancer family a collapsible wagon that we used so much last year filled with other things we found useful and comforting. We've asked some businesses and companies for donations to the cause, and have been wonderfully surprised by the immediate response and interest by some to help! It's great to feel like we are doing something to give back.

This weekend we went to Josh's parents for a visit. I knew it would be hard. Just like all the "firsts" will be. There were some tears, some blaring reminders that little brother wasn't with us physically anymore. But we enjoyed ourselves too. We went to eat, walked out by the still frozen lake, got ice cream and watched the ISU basketball game. It seemed like a good representation of how things are going--reminders at every turn of the shift in our lives, but through the Grace of God we can still choose joy.

Overall it seems that every day is different. Some days I really, really, miss Drew. And that's all I can think about. Folding clothes and missing that 4th pile. Not having to buckle anyone into the car when we get ready to leave. The garbage not filling up nearly as fast without all his medical care debris or diapers. And of course the absence of another little voice mingling with Molly's and mine. Only one "Mom!" instead of two. If I really dwell on it, I can feel it hurt deep in my heart. It's hard. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I'm sorry I know so many that have had to endure it.

Then the next day I'll really feel bad for Molly. Like today, she and I are working on her Valentines. I was trying to remember what we did for her Valentines last year, and I can't remember. I really think we probably didn't do anything. I know that Drew had a sky-high hemoglobin count of 17 (crazy, crazy), but I know Molly would have started preschool, did she go without Valentines? I hope she didn't. I hope she wasn't sad. How much she handled last year, and how I took for granted how strong she is too! And she is still so strong. Everyone's asking me how she is too, and I really think she is okay at the moment. Happy to be back into a routine, catching up on sleep and our expectations around here, soaking in all of my attention. But every now and then she'll ask about Drew, or say something about him. "Remember when Drew and I banged on the bowl like a drum with carrot sticks?". Yes I do baby girl. I wish he was here to bang on them with you again!

Then there'll be a day I feel so out of place here in the day-to-day of Austin. I am meeting friends that have months-old babies that I didn't even know were pregnant. I think someone "just" moved back to Austin when it was really last Summer. I'm still adjusting back to normal life. And I hate adjustments. I miss the hospital, my friends there. The nurses I had my inside jokes with, the child phycologist, the service team, even the housekeeper! I think it just as much that I miss the familiar. I was an "expert" there, here I am starting over again. Without my Drew. And its frustrating, and kind of lonely.

There is one thing that is the same each day. I am never sad FOR Drew. I am not sitting in his room wondering if he's alone, if he's scared. If he wonders why I didn't save him. I know that he feels amazing. That he is charming the pants off a new set of people, including Jesus. That he still has that million dollar smile and joy that I feel so empty without. I am so thankful for that peace. For that promise that death never will win. We may have not have won our battle, but Jesus has won the war already. And that gives me reason to praise God, and be thankful.

I am going to register for another half marathon I think (I've done a couple in the past). There is one that is in Rochester and actually includes some of the trials I ran when I was there with Drew. It's Memorial Weekend, so I have some time to train, and I think the running will be therapeutic. Its a release when I don't feel like crying. I am a music listener when I run, and the last song this morning really got me. "In Christ Alone" I have always loved, but like everything, touches a new place now. Here are the lyrics that seem to summarize why we can still chose Joy, even though we are so fiercely missing our Drew:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand"

It's only in the love of Christ, and by the power of Christ, that we can be standing right now. That I can make heart cookies, go to the grocery store, run 5 miles...It may be with a deep ache in our hearts, and with tears streaming down our face at times, but through Him and His strength, we will make it through this storm.

~Heidi